I Went Home. Came back. Lost So Much. Final Posting - May 13, 2015

My Mom... she got cancer for the 3rd and final time... She didn't make it.

She is gone.  Her life seemed so fleeting. 

She feared much. Did little. And had so much she wanted to do, but never did because of her fear, doubt, even hatred. 

I have been back home in my city awhile now dealing with a mess she left with all of us, especially me, to clean up after.

Just like my break up a few years ago, I am in deep mourning, and learning to pick myself up again... figuring out where I go from here.

There is much I am going through. 

But here is this log's very short lived life as well.

I pray mine is not...

It seems so weird that I started these blogs with being so grateful for how long I have lived and what I have learned along the way.   And I wanted to share some of that.  I mentioned how so many older and younger than I are dying.  Now my Mom is gone shortly after.....

This is where this blog ends.  The other will continue.

THE END

TV Confusion - October 7, 2014

I don’t watch TV.  If I do watch TV it has been when I am amongst people, particularly family members who have certain shows they feel they can’t miss.

I haven’t carried cable since my breakup three years ago and the ex-boyfriend had insisted we needed it, and I pretty much had stopped watching anything on the stations about a year… no even longer… before that relationship ended and I moved onto my own place, cable free.

I no longer remember when I ceased watching as much TV as I once did.  Don’t get me wrong, I always enjoyed it up until a handful of years ago; the best cartoons to me were when I was growing up in the eighties and nineties, and I reminisce about them as I get older. I don’t know why, but somewhere along the way I lost interest, and even when I see the shows that is on these days my brain and eyes just don’t feel a connection.  If I do develop a liking for a show it is because I decided to give it a try via rental at the local libraries on a movie night at home and perhaps I invest in the DVD collection, but most times I rent it, watch it, and then return it.  The rare times my television is on it is usually for a film in the old VHS or a DVD player, or, to play a video game. Otherwise the TV stays off.

I have explained in previous blogs my preference for spending time with loved ones, investing in my hobbies of creating through art, picture taking and writing, or reading books I am intrigued by, walking and hiking, researching, or playing video games.  In case anyone wonders (as most people in my personal life do) this is what I do with my personal time besides working. 

Someone could say I am using the internet so I am able to watch shows online.  But I don’t.  Also, when I am writing online or using the internet for anything it is because I am some other place that is not my home (like right now I am using it at my Mom’s while I am visiting) and even then I am not watching shows online.  Internet is for messaging and posting my blogs these days and that’s about it.

The hilarious thing is that everyone who makes this an issue of this even when I explain what I do with my time.  And, they all have the same thing to say, or rather, their argumentative-like comments are all similar though coming from many different types of people associated with me; and it hasn’t changed in the whole period of time that I lost my strong liking for the television that I once had:

They try to convince me to get cable and tune in by telling me about their favourite shows, and commercials (yes I said commercials)

Attempt to persuade me by implying there might be something wrong with me, like it’s a disease to not watch TV. Or worse, I have actually been asked what is wrong with me!

Even after I explain what else I do for fun they still will ask, “What do you do?” Almost as if the list above of what I do with my personal life went through their ears but didn’t register.  As if they don’t hear anything about a TV in the conversation therefore counts as if I have nothing interesting going on and by asking the question over again it is going to change me.

I write this not to be negative about anyone who enjoys TV and have shows that they like that makes them happy to watch.  This is more for those who maybe have a hard time comprehending those of us who don't watch much television, and, hopefully for those of us who don’t have cable or watch much TV to be understood a little more.

~Ange.

Turkey Is Not For Me Anymore - October 7, 2014

With Thanksgiving coming up here in good old Canada often people are thinking about turkeys and how they like to prepare them for the gatherings they may be having that day. 

This blog is short, and it’s about something funny that happens and how cute people are about me being vegan and turkeys.

Almost everyone I know at some point in the past several years of my veganism gets excited and has thought that I was going to be eating turkey and were genuinely happy for me around Thanksgiving.

The rule of veganism is nothing that comes from an animal.  When I explain to them how I know turkeys make it to the table just like the chickens on my Grandma and Papa’s farm makes it to the table (I grew up with chickens and not turkeys but I think the way they died are about the same) people suddenly let out exasperated groans and surprised yells because they feel bad for me that I can’t eat it (everyone always feels sorry for me about the way I eat).  Even after I explain why I don't need turkey, seeming to forget that I just explained that the Papa's ax was like a guillotine to those poor chickens I saw growing up is about the same as what happens to many turkeys.

 

Friends and family are quite adorable when they react to the news. Their poor faces drop, bottom lips come out, and they have their hands go up in the air, which makes it quite entertaining to me. I assure them to never feel sorry for me because this is the way I choose to eat now and I am very happy for it… especially when I know, but, don’t say it out loud to anyone, of how grateful I am not eating a turkey and will eat my favourite instead: boiled mashed yams mixed with apple juice and sprinkled with cinnamon. That is delicious to me! Yum!

~Ange

Missing Family When I Am Home? - October 6, 2014

Being home up north and in such close proximity to my family members you would think that I get to see them everyday and spend time with them whenever I pleased.  This is so not the case, at all!

In fact we were all saying that it seems all of us, not just me, don't see each other lately.  It has been days for most of us.  It feels like time and the universe are completely against myself and my loved ones. It's so weird.

Living in the city I know and expect to not see my family for long periods of time until my holidays came up, but, being so close right now and having this happen makes me miss them like never before. Does that even make sense?

I can say this though... due to our schedules and the work and activities we all participate in we are all the same we:

Work hard

Play hard and give all we have in the time we get together

Are busy trying to make a difference through our work by helping and taking care of others as we have always done amongst our family and with our friends.

Take moments to send messages or make phone calls to one another on a daily basis.

At least we touch base and make sure we are all ok! Hurray!
~Ange.

My Cycle - October 3, 2014

I am having one of those times in life where things are repetitive and predictable, however, it is indeed a nice change.  For the amount of gasping, scary, and crisis encountering moments for many weeks and months, I am enjoying it.

Some of us do, and sometimes too much of a routine and same thing over and over again is not good.  For me, after awhile, it will not be ok.  As of the moment, I think it is bliss.  I also feel a sense of renewal and hope as each calm day goes by. 

Here's how it has been for me.  Has yours become calm and bland too? Good or bad for you?

It's been:
Work
Make lots of phone calls. Take lots of phone calls
Respond to all electronic messages
Cook
Clean
Complete errands and important tasks
Find a moment to pamper one’s self to take a relaxing moment from the busy day
Enjoy one hobby
Wash
Rinse
Sleep
Repeat!

~Ange.

No Internet - September 30, 2014

There has been no internet here at my family’s home for two weeks.  Alas, lucky for me, I do not usually have access to internet anyways unless it is somewhere else other than my own home so it was fine for me, but for others not so much.  Now that it is up and running again around these parts I can start posting again.  

I had many other essays and ideas when the internet was around a few weeks ago, however I kind of forgot about them when it disappeared for a time and did a bunch of work and enjoyed some fun. 

It’s interesting, I thought having internet at my fingertips for the first time in so long that I would miss it, especially when I got so used to it when I came home for my lengthy sabbatical and then only to have it disappear for a fortnight.  I guess not!?

Many neighbours and family members who had to go without the internet did not seem so happy. My main concern was for money being wasted on something not being available to the consumers (oh how my priorities must look in saying that), and perhaps some felt that way, but the ranting and raging on social media sites tells me it was much more than just money.  It was being able to reach out to anyone at anytime so easily.  Staying connected to their loved ones, friends, and the news were the big ones.

As some of you may know from previous blogs, I am however more of a face-to-face interactive person myself.  That is my preference.

 

...However, this has made me an extremely poor writer for blogging.

~Ange.

 

The Calm Before and After the Storm - September 16, 2014

There is always that calm that comes before the storm...

These days up north with family I think it is more like the calm in between storms.

You ever feel that way with your family sometimes?

Through the fighting, the annoyances and irritations with one another, the misunderstandings etc, there is often that one big colossal storm with all of those things happening at once.  Then it dies as quickly as it comes.  And that calm...I enjoy it, for as little or as lengthy as possible, because it comes again, and sometimes it seems all too soon... Then I say: AGH! It's another storm!!!!

I tell you! I really miss home and my alone time and my pals in the city!

HOWEVER!!!

If I wasn't with my family and friends again, many more disasters would have ensued without that one more set of hands in play.  My hands! For those who understand what I am saying when I say THE BIG GUY OF THE UNIVERSE MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS, I am telling you He really does. 

For fifteen people I am very close to have said several times now: if there was not an extra body (in this case specifically my body) around here the past month, there would have been much bigger problems and disasters. 

There have been fights, near floods, things missed that required immediate attention, issues that needed resolving along with a lot of help and suppports needed... I was there for them all.  I see now that my own personal and very rough events that lead me back home were all very important in the end no matter how hard they were, because this hurricane (metaphorically speaking) that hit here has been some ride!!!! 

Of course, when this is all said and done, what will happen to me? Where will my life go from here? As I am lazy today and that question is too much to ponder right now I am going to skip it and enjoy the 20 degree celsius weather for the afternoon.
~Ange.